Mediation is a peaceful, confidential and voluntary conflict resolution process in which communication between two or more parties has deteriorated to such an extent that direct dialogue no longer yields results. In such cases, an independent, neutral and impartial professional – the mediator – helps to rebuild bridges of communication and seeks to develop a solution for the future that is acceptable to all, rather than dwelling on past grievances. This method can be successfully applied in cases of conflict within families, between parents and children, and even in relationships between adults and their children.
A real-life situation
I was recently contacted by a distraught mother from Australia. Her relationship with her adult son, who lives in Austria, had deteriorated to such an extent that he had blocked her on social media and refused to allow her to contact him in any way. The mother had asked for individual therapy and holistic treatment online, but in my experience, mediation is the most effective tool for situations like this. That is why I recommended this approach.
The client ultimately opted for individual facilitation and declined mediation. In such cases, however, it is important to note that if the mediator has an individual therapeutic relationship with one of the parties, they may not subsequently act as a mediator in the case, in order to maintain impartiality. The individual sessions were also soon discontinued, as the client did not take to the experiential therapeutic methods I use.
How would the mediation have gone?
The mediation process in Hungary is Act LV of 2002 is governed by legislation, Section 23(1) of which sets out the procedure for making contact in detail¹. As a first step, I would have contacted the boy – by telephone or email. A phone call quickly reveals whether there is a willingness to cooperate. In the case of an email, if there is no reply, we usually close the case after two attempts. During the initial contact, I explain that his mother would like to resolve the relationship and has asked me to act as a mediator. I explain the basic principles of mediation: I do not give advice, I do not pass judgement, I am completely impartial, and my aim is to ensure that the dialogue focuses not on past grievances, but on the present and the future.
If the parties are open to the process, we will sign a mandate agreement, to which we will attach the mediator’s declaration. These documents set out the fee for the process, the rules, the data protection terms and conditions, and the obligations of the parties.
Online or in person
Mediation can take place in person or online. In the case in question, due to the great geographical distance involved (Australia, Austria, Hungary), we would have met online. The process always begins with a preparatory session: during this, I speak separately with each party, usually for an hour. We then schedule the joint session, where we are all „around the same table” – even if only virtually.
At the opening session, I explain the framework and rules of mediation, and, provided both parties agree, we begin the actual work. The process is strictly regulated: there is a protocol for every step, from the opening remarks to the signing of the agreement.
What makes a good mediator?
A mediator is a professional with a higher education qualification and relevant professional experience, who possesses specialist knowledge in communication, psychology and law, as well as interpersonal skills. The integrity of the process is safeguarded by a code of ethics and a duty of confidentiality. A good mediator rules out personal bias; they do not project their own experiences onto the process, but instead apply structured questioning techniques and proven methodologies.
It is important for the mediator to recognise the limits of their competence: if a case affects them too deeply on an emotional level, or if the problem falls outside their area of expertise, they should refer the client to another colleague.
The caucus meeting and international practice
During mediation, there is also the option of holding separate discussions – these are known as caucus sessions. These may be initiated by either party or by the mediator themselves. In international practice, for example in England, it may also happen that the mediator visits the client at their home².
The entire process usually consists of 1–6 sessions, each lasting 2–3 hours. Under the law, mediation must be concluded within 40 days, but its progress may be affected by the complexity of the case and the parties’ willingness to cooperate.
When is mediation successful?
Success isn’t always about signing an agreement. It’s an achievement in itself if the parties are able to listen to one another again, or if the tone of their communication changes. In many cases, the first step towards reconciliation is a small change: a friendlier message, a more open body language, or a less tense tone of voice.
Parent–child mediation is a particularly sensitive area, as there is a deep emotional bond between the parties, which is often burdened by past hurts, expectations and unspoken grievances. The mediator’s role is to create a safe environment in which these grievances can be brought to the surface without causing further harm.
Why is it worth giving it a go?
In my view, every attempt counts. If our conscience is clear and we have done everything we can to reach an amicable resolution, then the process has been worthwhile – even if the other party is not yet ready. In such cases, it is worth allowing time: it may be that the intention to open up will mature within them in a few months or years’ time. In the meantime, one party – let’s call them the wiser, more sensitive or more loving one – can take the first step.
As I put it in my personal creed: „I am a lighthouse, not a lifeboat. I do not rescue people; rather, I help others find their own way to shore.”
Footnotes:
- Act LV of 2002 on Brokerage Activities, Section 23(1).
- Mária Kóródi: Coaching and mediation – Similarities and differences.