There is probably no one in your circle – whether in your family, among your friends or at work – who has never experienced pain, loss or some form of heartache. It is a natural part of life that we encounter situations which present emotional, spiritual and mental challenges. This could be the end of a relationship, a messy divorce, the death of a loved one, a disappointment or a sudden sense of betrayal. At such times, the pain is often accompanied by emotions such as sadness, anger, shame, rejection or loneliness, and it is easy to slip into the role of a victim, in which it becomes difficult to recognise our own responsibility.
The human psyche tends to blame others because facing up to ourselves is uncomfortable. At the same time, persistent blame and the shirking of responsibility perpetuate dysfunctional behaviour in the long term: we find ourselves in similar situations time and again, our relationships deteriorate, and internal tension manifests itself in other areas of our lives in the form of repressed anger.
The key to change is conscious observation. When we are willing to observe the situation clearly and without bias, to uncover the root causes and to take responsibility for our own role, we have already taken the first step towards ensuring that we do not repeat the same patterns.
According to one of the Buddha’s fundamental teachings: „Attachment is the root of all suffering.” This idea can be interpreted within both a spiritual and a psychological framework. Attachment is nothing more than a fixation on an expectation, a desire or an idea – all of which stem from the ego. The ego tends to project onto others qualities that they do not actually possess. When these illusions are shattered, we often blame the other person, rather than realising that the pain stems from our expectations not being met.
Most people have strong ideas about how should Life takes shape. These inner maps are built up from several sources: collective patterns, family systems, experiences from past lives (if we also take the karmic perspective into account), and events in this present life. When these inner maps are disrupted, resistance arises in the psyche, and we experience this state as suffering.
This is where the tantric and psychological approaches converge. If we understand that the root of suffering is attachment, we can also recognise that pain is not merely an unpleasantness to be avoided, but a warning sign: it points out where we are still dependent on external circumstances.
In Tantra, the heart centre is not merely an organ of emotion, but the abode of the soul. Although at first glance it may seem that we are longing for someone or something, the deeper truth is that we are seeking our own true nature. In a state of complete self-identity and self-knowledge, there is no need to look to the outside world for a sense of wholeness. The universe is boundless, and a reflection of this boundlessness is present within us too. According to the Tantric perspective, every human being possesses the potential for boundless love, compassion, courage, willpower and inner peace.
From a coaching perspective, this means that when working with a client, we do not focus solely on resolving the problematic life situation, but on helping the client realise that they possess all the resources they need for change within themselves. Recognising and releasing emotional ties does not mean denying one’s emotions – rather, we establish a conscious connection with them so that they do not control us.
In the psychological model, the ego is a kind of organising force that helps us find our way in the world, but at the same time is capable of trapping us in the cycle of suffering and joy. This cycle – longing, fulfilment, then deprivation – is instructive in itself. Often, we only set out on the path to true self-knowledge when we reach the threshold of our own suffering and can no longer continue with the same pattern.
It is here that the spiritual path begins to converge with psychological self-knowledge. When we open ourselves up to the possibility of seeing reality differently, we become willing to question our previous beliefs and accept truths that previously seemed alien to us. This openness can lead to a state of „inner emptiness” – not in the sense of a lack, but in the sense that we are ready to embrace new experiences and let go of old patterns.
In tantric practices, this state creates the opportunity to act from the centre of the heart, drawing on the energy of love and awareness. At such times, we are no longer guided by external circumstances, but our inner compass shows us the way. This is important not only for spiritual development, but also in everyday life: our relationships become more balanced, we deal with conflicts more openly, and we react less impulsively to challenges.
In the process of self-discovery, facing up to pain does not mean reopening old wounds, but rather understanding what that particular experience teaches us. When the client realises that expectations, illusions and unfulfilled desires often lie behind the pain, they will be able to direct their attention towards inner stability.
In practice, this means that:
- We will learn to consciously recognise and manage our attachments.
- We are developing our internal resources – such as self-love, self-confidence and resilience.
- Let’s let go of unrealistic expectations, which lead to suffering.
- We allow ourselves time to grieve and come to terms with what has happened, without getting stuck.
- We are raising awareness of our own role in every relationship and situation.
In such a process, the client reconnects with their true self – not as a person burdened by the wounds of the past, but as a whole, independent and free individual. According to the tantric perspective, in this state the energy of the heart flows freely, creating harmony that extends into every area of life.
Pain, then, is not an enemy, but a teacher. Recognising and letting go of attachment does not mean the end of love, but its purification: love springs not from possession, but from freedom and pure presence.